An outer 'no' is ok to help you protect your inner self

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others”

(Brené Brown)

What a beautiful quote by Brené Brown in relation to our personal boundaries. Setting boundaries is something that can be so important for us all in many respects. It can be important for us to seal or fence off our homes, so that our external boundaries are set and laid out for everyone to see where our personal space starts and where the line occurs for someone to enter into that space.

Boundaries can be just as important in terms of our own mental, emotional and physical space. I feel that it is essential that we all individually establish our own personal boundaries so that we and others know what is acceptable or unacceptable in our personal lives.

This is something I struggled with for a long time. As an empath and an energy worker, it is in my nature to always want to help, fix and heal everybody and everything! I struggled so much in being able to say ‘no’ to people who may have been asking something of me even if I wasn’t in full health myself and in turn I would have been left feeling depleted or energetically drained as a result of ‘not listening’ to my own inner warning alarms.

It is a difficult task to start to respectfully listen to and hear your own inner voice and its guidance and wisdom. It takes a lot of courage to start to clearly define your own personal internal and external boundaries in order to protect and nurture your own health and wellbeing. I slowly learned that ‘saying an outer ‘NO’ is saying and inner ‘YES’ and that it is ok to do this, without feeling selfish or uncaring. A quote I love to illustrate this is:

“Boundaries are not meant to control others, they are meant to be used as guidelines for you to know what is acceptable and what is not in your life”

(sherylgriffin.com)

When we talk about boundaries in the context of mental health and well-being, it can be things like your personal lifestyle choices, your circle of family and friends, your beliefs and values and how much of yourself that you define as acceptable to invest into any of these areas on a daily basis.

It is about being able to identity and outline where your own cut off points are once your own defined boundary line is reached. When I started to establish my personal boundaries in every aspect of my life, I did feel selfish and uncaring, particularly when it came to downsizing my close/support circle of family and friends, but as time went on, I learned and felt that defining these boundaries was the best gift I could ever have given myself. It was a way of protecting myself, my energy, my beliefs and values and it enabled me to live alongside likeminded people. As so beautifully put by Mandy Hale:

“It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it”

Let’s look at what a boundary is: “a definite place where your responsibility ends and another person’s begins. It stops you from doing things for others that they should do for themselves” (trans4mind.com).

It is easy to see the importance of setting up physical boundaries in our external lives, such as fencing, hedging, gates, separate entrances and so on. It is more difficult to see the importance of setting up our internal or non-tangible boundaries so that we protect our inner selves, so that we don’t let others deplete and drain us by crossing over our boundary points.

Now let’s look at what a boundary does: “a boundary also prevents you from rescuing someone from the consequences of their destructive behaviour that they need to experience in order to grow” (trans4mind.com).

So in effect, setting up your own internal and external boundaries is imperative for everyone involved. It helps to set clearly defined guidelines of what’s acceptable or unacceptable behaviour in your life. It helps to protect all parties involved from each other and helps to alleviate any confusion about your expectations.

An empowering thought to leave you with:

“Boundaries
I allow myself to set healthy boundaries
To say no to what does not align with my values
To say yes to what does
Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me”

(simpleeserene.com)

HOW TO IDENTIFY AND ESTABLISH YOUR PERSONAL INTERNAL BOUNDARIES:

Create a space in your day where you can quietly connect with your mind and body so that you can hear what your soul wants you to know.

2. Close your eyes if you wish. Sit quietly and take 5 regulating breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth (if possible, if not just breathe in your own regular rhythm while focusing your attention on your feet resting on the floor).

3. As you continue to relax into the moment, place one hand over your heart chakra (your centre of compassion, empathy, love and forgiveness) and the other hand over your solar plexus chakra (which regulates personality, ego, identity, personal freedom, choice and authenticity, located in the upper tummy above the belly button and below the diaphragm).

4. Now ask your soul, what do you want me to know in this moment? How can I protect my personal internal space? How can I establish my personal internal boundaries?

5. Carefully listen to any thoughts, visions or feelings that you may experience in this moment. This is your soul communicating to you what you need to know. This is your gut instinct and it will never let you down.

6. Continue to breathe in your own natural rhythm while purposely letting go and releasing into the moment. Continue to ask for guidance on any area of your life that needs structure and boundaries. Carefully listen to and tune into your body so that you can hear the guidance from your inner self.

7. When you are ready, open your eyes if you had them closed and let go of this practice. Feel the flow of courage, self-love and self-respect flow through you as you start to establish and define your internal boundaries and respect your inner soul.

Setting boundaries is an act of self-love and self-care

Thank you as always to Brian O’Loughlin at The Westmeath Examiner and his team at Celtic Media Group (https://www.anglocelt.ie/, https://www.con-telegraph.ie/, https://www.meathchronicle.ie/, https://www.offalyindependent.ie/, https://www.westmeathexaminer.ie/ and https://www.westmeathindependent.ie/ for all their wonderful help!

As published by The Celtic Media Group w/c 5/4/2021

anxiety boundaries debut author fear leonamcdonnell Meditation mindfulness protection self care self compassion self love stress

Leona McDonnell

Hi, I’m Leona McDonnell and I am a Mindfulness Teacher. I empower the children, teenagers and adults that I work with through Mindfulness, Meditation and Wellness with the belief that they already have all of the resources they need inside themselves to be the best version of themselves possible …. they just need to learn how to connect to and utilise these internal resources. I teach those I work with how to experience calm, peace and serenity in their everyday lives and I teach people how to reduce the everyday chatter in their minds. Having always being a very nervous and anxious child and teenager, from being afraid of my own breath, my own heartbeat, my own shadow, from undergoing numerous emergency medical surgeries with complicated recoveries, ICU admission, from anxiety, trauma and post natal depression to getting glandular fever in my mid 30’s, with 2 young children at home, working outside the home and also running my own Healing Practice, I hit breaking point in my own life some years back. I was stuck in a state of ‘Flight’, in a state of continuous panic. I had a broken mind, a broken body and a depleted soul. I didn’t know what to do, where to go, how to fix things. It was the toughest time and recovery of my life…. I then stumbled upon a local Yoga class and I decided to join it to see if I could create some calmness into my invasive mind and thoughts. I can remember not being able to even change my own natural breathing rhythm for the first few weeks, as I was in such a panicked state. As time went on, I grew to love Yoga as it made me reconnect with my body and my breath. It made me learn to trust my breath again. I then went on and sought out Mindfulness tools and techniques that I could introduce into my daily life. I slowly learned how to become more present in my life. I learned how to stop ruminating in my past and how to stop worrying about my future and just be present and accept the only moment I could change, which is the present moment, the most important moment. I learned how to ‘Train my Brain’ using Mindfulness tools and techniques. Coupled with Gratitude Journaling, Meditation and with a lot of time spent outdoors in nature, I began to feel much better. I began to feel much more centered in myself, more grounded, calmer and more present. After a number of years of my own daily Mindfulness, Meditation and Yoga practice, I felt amazing and had a zest for life! At this point, I decided that I needed to share with and help as many children and adults as I could with what helped me to transform my life! So I went on and did my Mindfulness training and here I am today!

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September 17, 2020